HPAVC/HPAVC CD-ROM.iso/FREEBGE2.ZIP/FREEBGE2.TXT

Text File | 1991-01-14 | 13KB | 216 lines

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             **** Professional Bernsteining ****
April 19, 1989           by DISMAY                 12:00p.m.


        Hello again!  Welcome to part 2 of the Freebage series.  I
 hope you have read Freebage Part 1: A Beginner's Guide to
 Bernsteining.  If you haven't, locate that file and read it before
 you read this.  It describes some basic Bernsteining techniques and
 gives some definitions to the terms used in this series.  Part 1
 dealt with hoarking in places such as bars, and grocery stores.  In
 this issue I will talk about more challenging targets, such as
 amusement parks, and concert events.  Actually, these places can be
 quite easy to get into, with some brains, and a little luck.


******************************************************
Chilling toaster ovens and unidentified pizza rolls...
******************************************************

        Alrighty kiddies, let's begin.  Suppose you hit the weekend
 without a cent in your pocket.  No worries.  You know that you can do
 things that an ordinary person would not dare.  If you have any kind
 of amusement park, or theme park near where you live, it is very much
 possible to spend the day there without spending money, and without
 having to climb over a fence.  All you need to do it is some
 intelligence, and a good knack for bullshitting.  Try not to look too
 much like a scum ball.  Look like a tourist.  If you are going to do
 it at Disney World, wear a Mickey Mouse shirt, etc. You have to
 realize that most all of the people who work at these places are
 teenagers and young people in general.  They aren't too concerned of
 being really strict, just to stand in place and grab tickets from
 people filing by.  Now, you have arrived at the park, and are at the
 front gate.  What you must do is wait for a large group of tourist
 looking people to be going in.  The larger, the better.  The best
 groups are ones with a lot of handicapped or mentally retarded
 people.  In groups such as these, the tickets for the entire group
 are handled by one or two people.  If you see something like this
 happening, go towards the entrance.  As they start to file in, blend
 in with them.  If only one of this group has the tickets, you are in
 luck.  Try to act either really excited, or emotional about entering
 the park.  If you are with retarded people, act a little slow, it
 isn't hard to do.  Make sure you are in the middle of the group.
 Even the group shouldn't notice you until you are well inside, and by
 then you should be separated from them.  If you want, put your arm
 around someone in the group as you pass through the gate.  Say out
 loud "Isn't it great to go see Mickey!!!"  Make sure that the person
 you have your arm around gets excited, but doesn't freak out.  They
 should thing that you are just someone having a really good time.
 Sometimes they really enjoy this.  Now, you've been sitting around
 the park entrance for an hour, and no group has come.  Well, there is
 usually a large line of people entering the park.  If you see that
 the line is moving in a fairly fast stream, this is good.  Get in
 line.  When you get up to the ticket person, act retarded or whatever
 you think will work and mutter to the employee, "he's (or she's) got
 my tickets," as you gesture behind you.  By the time you squeeze
 through the gates and are inside far enough away, they will realize
 that there is one ticket missing from the whole deal, but most of the
 people who work at these places won't care.  Sometimes when I have
 done this, the people in back of be have been refused entrance.  I
 like when that happens.  If you were lucky and got in this way, good.
 There isn't too much to worry about, as long as you weren't in sight
 when they discovered what was going on.  If you put on a good
 mentally retarded act, you shouldn't be questioned.  Alright, what if
 there are no lines at all, or next to no lines.  This is when
 bullshitting is your only tool to get in.  Check out the people
 taking tickets.  If it is slow they will be talking amongst
 themselves.  Look for the person who is the "outcast" or not talking
 to the others.  This may mean that they are shy, or new.  Slowly walk
 towards their line.  If you have a hat, mash it down onto your head.
 When you get to them talk slowly and softly.  Tell them that you were
 in the park with your mother and got lost.  If you are older than a
 kid that would be with his mother, act retarded.  Drool a bit.  Tell
 them that you were with your mother and you got separated.  You got
 really scared that she left, so you went out to the car, which was
 the only place that you knew how to get to for sure.  When you got to
 the car you remembered her telling you before you went in that
 morning, "if we get separated meet me at the xxxxxx."  Fill in with
 something that you know is in the park.  If they ask you for a stub
 or something, act like you don't understand.  If they tell you that
 you can't go in without a ticket, start to cry.  Stick to the story.
 If they get someone like a manager, stay with the story.  Get more
 and more flustered and whiny the more they question you.  Get them
 tears flowing!!  It's good theatrics, and really fun to see how these
 people react to you.  Tell them all you want to do is get to the
 place your mother told you to meet her at and wait there for her.
 You might have an employee escort you to the spot.  This has happened
 to me once, and that experience will be told about in Sportsage.  If
 they find a person to escort you to the fictitious meeting place,
 seem relieved that you are there.  Of corse, your mother will be no
 where around.  Tell them that you will have to wait there for her.
 After a few minutes of waiting they will either leave you alone there
 to wait, making you promise that you won't go anywhere, or they will
 ask you to leave.  One thing, this method only works when you are
 alone.   It would be hard to do this with more than 1 person.  If
 they leave you alone, make sure they aren't going to be back in a
 while, then take off.  You might want to wait until they come back to
 check up on you, that way they will really thing you are waiting for
 your mother.  This method takes a long time to complete, but you feel
 really good when you successfully pull it off.  There are other ways
 like these that I have described, it's all up to your creative
 abilities.  If you come up with any that work well, let me know, I
 will gladly put them in a future issue of Freebage.

        Other notes...  besides retarded people, you can grab onto
 old people too.  They often come to theme parks in large groups, so
 they are a good target too!  If you are stopped inside and accused of
 sneaking in, tell them you had a ticket and tell them to prove that
 you didn't.  I don't think that there is a park that requires you to
 always carry a stub around proving that you paid to get in.  The only
 time I have been questioned at a park was when I used to hop the
 fence at Busch Gardens.  If they see you enter like this they will
 most definitely go after you.  Going in the front way is a lot better
 because the most they can make you do is get out of the way.  If you
 are stuck at the gate, and they are asking for a ticket, and you told
 them that the people behind you had it, and it gets fouled up
 somehow, act like the people you pointed to weren't the people that
 you meant.  Say something like "holy cow, the people I were with are
 gone! They were right behind me!"  This won't get you in, but it will
 keep you out of trouble.  When this happens, leave the gate area and
 act pissed off that your friends left you, and try to get in later.
 It helps if there is more than one entrance.  Also, if you are going
 with friends, go in separately.  Unless you can squeeze in with a
 large group of tourists, it isn't advisable to be together.  Have a
 meeting place arranged beforehand so that you can get back together
 once inside.  This all sounds real complicated, but it's almost too
 easy!  As I said before, most of the people who work at these places
 are kids, and don't want to be bothered chasing after someone who
 squeezes through their line.  So!  Try this out and see what happens!


***********************************************
Excruciating Flatulence and Live Zen Worship...
***********************************************

        Taking the things I have talked about in hand, you
adapt them towards other things, such as getting into concerts.
There are a few things that are concert specific, though.  A
crowd at a concert is much different from one at an amusement
park.  It is a lot harder to sneak into a concert than a park,
because there are not "tourist groups" to blend into.  Also, you
usually get frisked.  One method that has been used is fairly
simple.  You just have to find a ticket stub.  If you can get
one, get it.  You may have to wait for someone leaving the show
to give you their's.  Or, if you know someone who has paid, have
them hand you the stub through a gate, or some place that you can
"intersect" around the place where the concert is held.  If
you are more daring, try this method... go to the place of the show
early in the day.  Try to get around to where the equipment is being
loaded into the arena, or whatever the place is.  If you can,
slip in and find a place to hide out until the show starts.  This
can be hard, and takes a lot of patience.  Again, if you can, use
the skills taught in the last chapter.  Another good ploy is the
wheelchair method.  A big show should have a separate handicapped
entrance.  Have a friend wheel you to it.  Be covered with blankets,
and have on a lot of the band's junk, like shirts, hats, etc, so that
you look like a real fan.  The best kind of handicapped person
to be is one that can't talk, that just sits and does nothing much.
Now, let me get something straight with you, I am not prejudiced
against handicapped people, this is simply a method used to enter
places for free.  I am sure that anyone handicapped in this way
who reads this will find it moderately amusing.  Enough said.  Okay,
you are at the handicapped entrance, and they ask for your tickets.
You, of corse, can't talk.  Drool a little.  If you had a friend
bring you in, they sould say something like "oh they are with the
rest of the guys who are in another line."  Have him ask the ticket
takers to let you and your wheelchair sit inside so you won't get into
any trouble.  When he goes off, slowly wheel yourself to a good spot,
and when they ticket takers aren't looking, slide in.  A wheelchair
is also a real good way of smuggling things into a concert, be it
drugs, cameras, or tape decks.  The topic of tape decks and cameras
will be dealt with in the file "Bootleggage".  Look for it soon heh.
So, with all this, and a little flavor of your own, you will be able
to Hoark with the best.

*****************
Finale, Finalo...
*****************

        Well, that does it for this issue of Freebage.  Look for
Sportsage coming soon.  Sportsage is a story about me and two friends
geting into the Super Bowl.  I was going to make it a chapter in
Freebage 2, but it's going to be quite a large file.  Also, as
mentioned before, look for Bootleggage, a guide to taping, filming,
and bootlegging concerts.

        And, as usual, please don't mess up the file.  If you want to
distribute, I like that, but if you do, don't change anything.  Any
additions that you think should be made, write yourself into a
separate file, and get to me.  It will be included in a future
addition of Freebage.  Hopefully I can get some people to write up
a few things and put out a regular Tri or Bi monthly Freebage.  If
you have any suggestions, please address them to me, DISMAY.  I can
currently be reached at...um...well..probally wherever you found
this file.  Heh heh.

        Until next time, may your Hoarking be good and Bernstein your
way to hell.



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